


Barriers and Shower Curtains

by then00breturns1101



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol, Autistic W. D. Gaster, Communication Issues, Established Relationship, Good Friends, Good coping mechanisms, Help, Human AU, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kinda, M/M, Recreational Drinking, Sensory Overload, Sensory Processing Disorder, and bad ones, and now i am publishing it, being clingy as all hell, descriptions of blood but nothing too graphic, eh whatever, enjoy, fun times (not), how much can i project onto one character before it's a self insert, how the FUCK do you pick a title, i wrote this in december on my phone when i had no internet, meltdowns, oh btw they're all humans, ooc doesn't exist because i take the characters who barely exist in canon, overuse of line breaks and commas, past trauma for both of them, some violence, the answer is yes, they're all like 25 also, this is cheesy, why am i publishing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 15:55:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14216625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/then00breturns1101/pseuds/then00breturns1101
Summary: Grillby and Gaster have been dating for some time, and although they're close, there remain many things left unsaid, and many veils of failed communication between them. Their pasts remain hidden and their differences only hinted at. But something must give eventually.And someone.





	Barriers and Shower Curtains

**Author's Note:**

> what the fuck am i doing  
> okay yes i know i'm in the middle of a multi-chapter work this thing has been sitting on my phone for months i gotta publish it  
> also the title is eh the summary is weird but uhhhh enjoy  
> (i will take autistic gaster with me to the grave)  
> (not literally)  
> (he's already a skeleton)  
> (not in this au though)

It was fine. It should’ve been fine. Everything was  _supposed_  to be fine, but it wasn’t.

 

Gaster and Grillby had been dating for about two months now, and everything was going well. There were those hiccups that would always happen at the beginning of a new relationship, of course, but nothing too bad. Nothing that harmful. They just didn’t always understand each other, because Grillby and Gaster were two very different people.

 

Grillby was relatively self-sufficient. He was used to being alone, and his emotions tended to stay within a stable range, except when he would have those late-night drunken breakdowns where he’d remember everything that had gone wrong in his life. After some sleep and TLC, he would be right as rain again.

He had learned how to deal with things. How to move on from his harmful childhood. How to come to terms with his identity. How to live an approximately normal life. His biggest demons were buried, though they'd still resurface occasionally to give him some hell.

 

Gaster, meanwhile, was a puzzle. He was strongly introverted, but needed companionship and attention. His emotions were volatile and prone to easy changes. He could barely take care of himself without someone reminding him to eat, bathe, and sleep. He had had many, many problems in his life, and never properly learned how to put them to rest. Instead of being buried, the ghosts of his past still haunted him.

 

He didn’t show a lot of this to his new boyfriend, though. He was too afraid of scaring him off, of seeming too needy or dependent or crazy. He was an adult. He could deal with this. He didn’t need help.

 

He didn’t need to acknowledge that he wasn’t okay.

 

Because he was fine, right? A scientist is always fine.

 

Except when he’s not.

 

* * *

 

 

Gaster’s phone buzzed with a notification. He picked it up. It was a message from Grillby.

 

 **hey** , **there’s a party tomorrow night at cary’s place**

 

**she said i could bring someone, you wanna join me?**

 

Gaster looked at the messages on his phone, thinking. He hadn’t gone to a party in ages. They tired him out and made him exhausted for days afterwards. But he could deal with that, right? Maybe this wouldn’t be as bad.

 

 _Sure, that sounds like_   _fun._   _At what time would it be_?

 

 **starts at**   **six**

 

**i’ll pick you up at quarter of**

 

_Great! I’ll see you then._

 

_< 3_

 

**< 3**

 

Gaster smiled. He always liked their little heart thing. He and Grillby had been doing it for about a month and a half now, and it was like a ritual for them. They finished every conversation with two little hearts. It was routine. It felt stable. And no matter what, as long as there were the hearts, it meant things were more or less okay.

 

So maybe this party would be okay. At least he had time to prepare himself. It was considerate of Grillby to tell him in advance. Especially since Gaster hadn’t yet told him about his... particular needs.

 

He  _was_  planning on telling Grillby he was autistic. Their relationship wouldn’t work out if he kept that information to himself for too long. He just needed to plan it out and find the right time.

 

Besides, it wasn’t like there was a time limit, was there? He would wait until he was ready. He had time.

 

* * *

 

 

Grillby put down his phone, going back to preparing the bar for opening. Boyfriend or not, he still had a job to do and bills to pay. Tomorrow was his day off, though, which was why he was able to come to the party. Which was nice. It’d been a while since he’d seen Cary, who was an old friend from college, and he wanted to hang out with Gaster. He got a rag, sprayed the countertop with some wood polish, and started to clean it as he let his thoughts drift.

He really did love his boyfriend. A lot. He was glad they were dating and enjoyed the time they spent together. He just... needed space.

Sometimes he needed a lot.

Sometimes Gaster took it a bit too personally.  _That_ was the frustrating part. But hopefully, with enough time and explanation, he would understand that Grillby’s need for alone time was not because Gaster was annoying or inadequate, but just because that was how Grillby was.

 

He flipped the sign to “Open.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Okay. You can.... you can do this. You know Cary, too. Just... talk to her, and talk to Grillby, and stick with them. Maybe Charon will be there too, and you can hang out with them. You won’t need your fidgets. It’ll just be a few hours. You’re going to be fine.”

 

His pep talk in the mirror before the party was lasting a lot longer than he anticipated. The doorbell rang and he jumped a bit in surprise before going to answer it.

 

“Hey Grillby!” he greeted with a wave and crooked smile.

 

“Hey babe. You ready?” he asked. Gaster nodded, taking his hand and walking out of his apartment, closing the door behind him. They walked out to Grillby’s car and he started driving them there. Gaster was quieter than usual, and Grillby noticed.

 

“Something wrong? You’re not very talkative,” he asked, keeping most of his attention on the road.

 

“I’m fine, it’s just... been a while since I’ve been to a party. Are there going to be a lot of people?”

 

“Eh. Maybe fifteen. She’s got a big house.” Gaster bit his lip. That would be a lot of people he wouldn’t know.

 

“Did she tell you if Charon would be there?”

 

“No. Who’s Charon?”

 

“They’re an old friend of mine. I know Cary knew them, and I was just wondering if she invited them,” he explained. Grillby nodded.

 

“I’d like to meet them. I’m pretty sure I know most of the people there already, but it’d be nice to meet someone new.”

 

“Yeah. They’re really nice, but a bit quiet.”

 

“So, like you right now?”

 

Gaster blushed, smiling. “Yeah, I... guess. But they never get as chatty as I do.”

 

“I don’t think anyone can. You might hold the world record. Nobody slows you down once you get talking about something you love,” he laughed. Gaster rubbed his arm.

 

“S-sorry, I know it gets annoying...”

 

“No, you’re fine. It’s not a bad thing. It’s just something about you,” he reassured. 

 

After a few minutes of driving in comfortable silence, the car stopped and Grillby opened the door.

 

“Alright, we’re here. Come on.” Gaster nodded and stepped out, walking into the house with Grillby’s hand in his. Cary met them at the door.

 

“Hey guys! Glad you could come!” She hugged them both and led them inside. It was... a little loud. But bearable. Only about half a dozen people were there, and Gaster brightened when he saw Charon among them.

Tonight would be fine.

 

 

...Or... not.

Two hours in, Gaster was starting to really get tired. He stuttered and stumbled more, leading some to think he had been drinking, so they offered him more. That made things worse, because not only did Gaster not drink in general, but he had a lot of negative associations with alcohol.

A few people had started smoking, and the smell of the smoke and the booze was making him sick.

The sound of the music and the talking and the laughter was giving him a headache. He was dizzy and shaky and he wanted to go home. He regretted coming.

Finding a quiet corner to talk to Charon in would’ve made it better, but they left early.

He couldn’t talk to Cary and Grillby because they were in the middle of a crowd of people, talking and joking and laughing.

And Grillby was having fun. He was happy. He was fine. Gaster couldn’t ask him to leave early, too; that would ruin his night. So he stayed by the wall and said nothing.

 

Eventually, he decided to just ask to go home. He tried to make his way through the crowd to Grillby, but the music was growing louder as he approached and he could feel everything heightening towards a meltdown. He was dizzy and nauseous from the smell of alcohol and cigarettes. The noise of music and talking was pounding in his skull. His clothes felt like sandpaper on his skin. Everything was painful and everything was  _too much._ He needed to find Grillby and  _get out._

 

After what felt like an eternity, Gaster finally made it through the crowd to him. Grillby put his conversation with a couple other people on hold and turned towards him.

“Hey, ‘sup G?” he asked, clearly a little drunk. Shit. Gaster opened his mouth to talk, but...

...nothing.

No matter what he tried, he just couldn’t get his tongue and jaw and lips to work together right to form any kind of words, so he just made a distressed whining noise. Grillby laughed a little.

“You good? Drink too much? C’mon, sit down.” He motioned to a seat next to him. Gaster sat, despite himself. He didn’t want to be there. He wanted to leave.

The conversation continued, and just about everyone ignored his clear discomfort. He rocked slightly in his chair, humming and whining and trying to shut out the sensory input but it was too much and it was all adding together and his mind was screaming and hurting and he  _needed to leave._

Grillby took his hand, still talking, and while normally Gaster would’ve found the action reassuring and comforting, it just felt restricting and painful now. It progressed to an arm around him, and he finally got his mouth to work.

“Off,” he said, only just loud enough for Grillby to notice.

“What are you talkin’ about, babe?” he asked. Gaster shook his head, pulling his arms close to himself.

“ _Off,_ ” he emphasized, unable to actually push Grillby’s arm off of his. This isn’t help. Grillby, still unsure of what he was trying to communicate, took one of his hands and squeezed it. It was an action he knew was reassuring and grounding to Gaster, but it backfired. He started struggling in Grillby’s grip.

“No no off get off get  _off!_ ” he started nearly shouting. When Grillby was slow on the uptake, Gaster wrenched his hand out of his grip and stood up, shaking his arm off from his shoulders. Grillby stood up after him, now concerned and alarmed. People were starting to stare. Grillby took Gaster’s hands, running his thumb over the knuckles in a soothing manner.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, I won’t h—“ He was interrupted by Gaster violently shoving him back with a shriek, even kicking him in the shin, and stumbled to right himself.

“Hey! What the—?” he questioned, but Gaster was already barging through the crowd, covering his ears and squeezing his eyes shut. His meltdown was already in full swing and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He found the bathroom and ran inside, having just enough lucidity to lock the door behind him before he slammed himself into the wall.

His meltdowns had never been pretty, and this was no exception. He was shouting nonsense as he kept hitting his arms and head and tugging at his hair. People outside were a little scared and started moving away from the door.

Someone went to tell Cary. Grillby was hurrying to the bathroom, with no idea of what the hell was going on.

Gaster was never violent, and would never be aggressive towards him at all. He always asked for physical contact and reassurance, but this time he had  _hated_  it. Nothing made sense. So what was going on??

 

As Gaster’s meltdown finally began to taper off, he realized he was in the bathtub with the curtain drawn over him. It was dim, with the music from outside muffled. There were stains of blood on the white ceramic walls. Shit, when did that happen? Gaster looked down at his arms and found his answer: he must have taken off his sweater and then clawed at his arms so much that they had bled. He realized now that he had done the same to his face. Crap, and it had been so long since he had done it before, too...

Now a bit more coherent, he tried to assess the rest of the damage. His head hurt like hell; must’ve hit it too hard. His arms and thighs were sore and would probably bruise. His throat felt rough from screaming. He had been crying. Dried blood was caked under his fingernails, which didn’t help his sensory situation. His shoes and socks were off, leaving him in just his t shirt and pants. Which left the old scars on his arms exposed. There was no way that sweater was touching him now, so he figured that he’d just have to explain later. He lifted his hand and found bite marks. Ouch. He needed to buy some sort of chew thing so that wouldn’t happen again.

After another cursory glance, Gaster concluded that those seemed to be all the injuries done to him.

He was now aware of the knocking and talking at the door.

 _Knock_   _knock_   _knock_.

“Gaster! Are you in there? What’s going on?”

 _Knock_   _knock_. 

“Gaster!”

“Hey, Grillby, calm down. Noise won’t help.”

“Cary, what’s going on? What happened?”

“I called Charon. They said it’s probably a meltdown.”

“What’s that?”

“Happens to autistic people when they get overloaded.”

“Wait, but Gaster isn’t autistic... is he?”

“According to Charon, he is. Just doesn’t tell most people.”

“Oh... well, how do I help?”

“Just speak softly and don’t expect him to respond verbally. He might be a little... scratched up, they said. Don’t touch him unless you have the go ahead. I’ll drive you both home when he’s ready, okay?”

“Alright. Should I just wait here until he opens the door?”

“I’ll pick the lock for you, but don’t go in yet. Figure out how to communicate without him talking. I’ll keep the rest of the crowd under control. Getting rowdy in there”

 

There were a few clicking noises as the doorknob was unlocked. Grillby sat next to the door and waited, thinking of what to say.

After a while, he spoke up.

“Gaster? I... I know you can’t really talk right now, but... hey, I have an idea. I’ll ask yes or no questions, and you can answer with one knock on the wall for yes, and two for no. Does that work?”

 _Knock_. Grillby smiled.

“Great. Okay. Are you okay?”

_Knock knock._

“Do you want me to come in?”

 _Knock knock._  

“Alright. Give me three knocks when you’re okay with me coming in, ok?”

 _Knock_.

“Is it okay if I keep talking?”

 _Knock_. 

“Okay, um... I’m not mad, if you’re worried about that. I’m sorry for not paying more attention to your situation. I... I didn’t know.”

...

“But that’s not your fault! I... I understand. You don’t have to just go around telling everyone. It’s your information. I just... I want to help you, okay? I care about you.”

...

_Knock knock knock._

 

Grillby walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He didn’t turn on the light, and just sat next to the bathtub.

 

“Hey babe,” he said in a quiet voice. An “mm” of acknowledgment was the reply. Grillby sighed.

“Is it okay if I pull back the curtain?” he asked, not wanting to overstep.

“Mhm,” was the reply. Grillby pulled the curtain aside, inhaling sharply at the sight.

“Shit, Gaster...” he sighed again, biting his lip. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Gaster curled in on himself, feeling ashamed. He wanted to disappear. Grillby shook his head.

“It’s okay. Nobody’s upset at you. I’m just... worried. Is it okay if I touch you?”

He hesitated before nodding and motioning to his shoulder. Grillby laid a gentle hand on it.

“It’s alright. We’ll go back home and leave the party, and you won’t have to be around the loud noise anymore. Do you want to go home?” Gaster nodded in reply.

“You look.... a bit beaten up, though. I need to clean you up. Is that okay?”

It took a moment before Gaster nodded again. Grillby found the first aid kit and soaked a washcloth in water before he began wiping the smudges of blood off of Gaster’s face and arms. He winced every time Gaster flinched, wishing he could make this easier for him. Disinfecting was a bit more painful, but didn’t go too badly. When everything was properly treated and bandaged, Grillby spoke again.

“Do you want to come out of the bathtub?” he asked, still keeping his voice soft. Gaster shook his head.

“Do you want me to leave you alone?” He shook his head again.

“Do you want me to sit with you?”

This time, Gaster nodded, shifting a bit so Grillby could sit next to him in the bathtub. Once they were side by side, Grillby asked another question.

“Do you want me to hold you?”

Gaster nodded slightly and leaned against Grillby, who pulled him into his lap and held him close. Gaster sniffled a bit and buried his face in his boyfriend’s neck.

“It’s okay. You’re safe. I’ve got you. Nothing’s going to hurt you. I’m right here.” Grillby kept whispering reassurance to him as one hand stroked his hair and the other rubbed his back. The physical contact was now very much appreciated, and he wanted to stay there for hours, even if the bathtub was a bit uncomfortable.

Gaster was so worn out and tired from his meltdown that he was starting to nod off. Grillby noticed, and shook his arm just a bit.

“Do you want to go home?”

Gaster nodded sleepily, curling up more against him. Grillby picked him up and walked outside, sitting on the front step and waiting for Cary to come outside.

When she did, she looked relieved to see them both.

“Oh good, you two are alright. Lemme drive you home. Grillby, is it okay if I drive you home in your car? I’ll take a cab home,” she proposed. Grillby nodded, standing up with a now fully asleep Gaster in his arms.

“That would be really helpful,” he replied. “Thanks. It means a lot.”

“Hey, no prob. What are friends for, after all?”

She sat in the driver’s seat as Grillby and Gaster both sat in back. Gaster was still mostly asleep, and he did still want to be with Grillby. He had pretty much invited himself to stay the night, which was the first time, but considering Gaster kept clinging to him, he figured it would be okay.

 

 

When they were both lying in bed, Grillby looked over at the sleeping man next to him. It was the first time he had really seen Gaster asleep like this. He looked so... delicate. And peaceful. A quiet Gaster was something he rarely got to see, or rather, hear. Earlier, it had been concerning. But now, it just felt... safe.

His lips twitched and curled into a frown, one that grew quickly more distressed. Grillby, realizing it was a nightmare, pulled Gaster closer. He seemed to calm within a few seconds.

As he held his boyfriend, Grillby began thinking. Some of it out loud.

 

“You know, I.... haven’t really been the best boyfriend, have I?” he whispered to himself. “I didn’t really... pay attention to what you needed. You need things that I don’t. It’s... simple. And it’s okay.” He kissed Gaster on the head.

“We’re different people. And I love that. I love you. You’re smart and funny and kind and passionate. I admire that about you. You’re special to me.”

His hands wove through Gaster’s curly black hair.

“I understand you wanted to keep your problems to yourself. I... I do that, too. I just...” he sighed, trying to think of the right words. “You don’t have to hide yourself. You don’t have to hide who you are from me. I won’t blame you or judge you. It’s okay.”

Grillby held him tighter and kissed him again. To his surprise, Gaster reached his head up to kiss him back. His voice was hoarse and quiet as he spoke, but to Grillby, it still sounded beautiful.

“Thank you,” Gaster whispered. He had only been pretending to sleep after he woke up from the nightmare, and had heard everything. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Grillby replied, holding him closer against him.

They both drifted off peacefully.

 


End file.
